GateUser-f6f99e25

Buddy finished working out his chest and asked me: "Do you think my chest has gotten bigger?"
I said I couldn't tell.
He said, "Touch it, it's hard now."
I said, "Can you stop talking so gay?"
He said, "You're not a girl, why would I be gay with you?"
I said, "Then what do you want me to touch?"
He said, "Your muscles, what do you think you're touching?"
I said, "Say that again and see what happens."
He laughed, "Your ears are red."
I said, "That's just because the gym is too hot."

I took an order to go to a coffee shop to "blind date" with a girl.
The note said: "Young man, just sit across from me, have a cup of coffee, and stay for ten minutes. Don't talk much, I will speak. Payment is 80."
When I arrived at the coffee shop, she was already waiting.
I sat down, and she whispered, "Don't look at me, look out the window."
I just looked out the window.
Suddenly, she loudly said, "Oh, I think you're really a very reliable person!"

My cousin, 36 years old, is divorced and has given up everything. Everyone is sympathizing with him.
Last month I went to his house, he rented a one-bedroom apartment, with just a bed, a table, and a chair. But on the table, there was a set of fine tea ware, and a painting he drew himself hung on the wall.
He said: "I used to live in a big house, with so many things I couldn't find myself. Now that I have fewer things, I actually know what I want."

Everyone, help! I now have two options:
A. Try hard, maybe succeed
B. Keep lying flat, it’s definitely very comfortable
What should I do?
Please advise, everyone.

My dark circles are so heavy it looks like I've been beaten.
Once, I was on a plane, and an aunt sitting next to me kept staring at me.
After takeoff, she couldn't hold back and quietly asked me:
"Young man, have you been abused at home?"
I said no, I just have insomnia.
She said: "You can't fool me. My daughter was beaten before, just like you, with bruises all under her eyes."
I said I really haven't, I just stay up late playing games.

My friend said he doesn't want children.
I asked why?
He said: Because raising children is too expensive, and I don't like kids.
I asked: Aren't you afraid that when you're old, no one will take care of you?
He said: I’ve calculated it; raising a child until they graduate from college will cost at least 1 million yuan.
I will save that 1 million yuan and, when I’m old, live in the best nursing home, with the best caregivers.
If the caregivers are disobedient, I can replace them; if the children are disobedient, I can't replace them.

There is a large mole behind my ear, and people have said since I was a child that it's a "suffering mole," indicating I owed emotional debts in a past life.
Once, I went to get a haircut, and Tony, the barber, parted my hair and saw that mole.
He paused, and his tone suddenly became very mysterious:
"Miss, have you been cursed or hexed by someone?"
I said no.
He said: "At this spot, this size, I've seen it for the first time in fifteen years. Usually, only people who have been cursed with love spells will have it grow here."

Helping a female colleague move, when a box dropped and its contents spilled all over the ground.
Damn, it was all underwear. Various colors, different styles.
The one on top was transparent.
I froze in place, and she was stunned too.
After three seconds, she squatted down to pick up and said: Don't look.
I said I didn't look.
She said: Your eyes are about to fall out, you didn't see?
I said I'll help you pick it up.
She said no need.

In a late-night gym, heavy breathing can be heard from the corner.
Male voice: “Ah… easy… I’m about to snap…”
Female voice: “Hang on, we’ll go in soon… relax—don’t clamp down so hard!”
I silently take out my phone, getting ready to record evidence.
The man screams: “Your angle is wrong! I can’t pull it!”
The woman shouts angrily: “It’s because you insisted on adding weight yourself! If the barbell plate got stuck, you’re blaming me, right?”
I put my phone away and quietly return the dumbbells to their place.

I have long-term insomnia, and my dark circles are so heavy that my colleagues think I got beaten up.
Once on the subway, a lady sitting next to me kept staring at me.
I couldn't hold it in and said: Miss, I wasn't beaten, I just didn't sleep well.
The lady said: I know, I'm not looking at that.
I asked: Then what are you looking at?
She said: The position of your dark circles is wrong.
The ones from being hit are under the eyes; yours are all around the eyes, which indicates poor kidney health.
I said: I just have insomnia.

Don't be fooled by appearances

Matchmaking partner asked me: "How old are you?" I said: "18." She laughed: "Who are you kidding?" I said: "Really, I'm joking, you little dog." She blushed.
I don't understand, I said I'm 18, why did she blush?

How do you view pregnant girls in college?

I went to a foot massage shop to get a foot massage, and the technician was a young girl. When she was massaging my calves, she suddenly smiled. I asked, "What are you laughing at?" She said, "Your leg hair is so thick; it's all over your toenail gaps." I apologized. She said, "It's okay, I like it." After a while, she moved to my thigh, and her hand stopped. I asked, "What's wrong?" She looked at above my knee and whispered, "You... don't have leg hair here?" The air was silent for three seconds.

Good morning

Recently, during my morning run, I kept running into a woman being followed by four men.
I went home and complained to my wife: "Even during a run, she’s got a crew? I want to join."
My wife exploded: "She’s got four men, and you want to be the sixth?"
I replied: "With four men, I should be the fifth, so how did I become the sixth?"
My wife sneered: "Her husband is the first, and you all have to stay in the back."
I stubbornly said: "Maybe her husband is one of those four."

My ex-girlfriend got married and sent me an invitation. I didn't go, but I sent some money. She messaged me in the evening: "Thank you for your red envelope." I replied, "You're welcome." She sent another message: "My husband asked why you didn't come." I responded: "I was afraid he would recognize me. The person who was waiting for you downstairs at your place last Valentine's Day was me."

My buddy's way of pursuing beautiful women is always unconventional.

An older guy lived with his first love for over two years, doing everything they were supposed to do and everything they weren't supposed to do. Later, for some unknown reason, they broke up. A few years later, the girl got married and had a child. One day, he ran into his ex-girlfriend on the street and noticed she was with a child who looked very much like him. At this point, an old saying comes into play, called "First Husband's Genetics."

My ex-girlfriend sent a message in the middle of the night: "Can't sleep."
Me: "I haven't slept either."
She: "Come to my place?"
I arrived, and when she opened the door, she was only wearing an old sweatshirt of mine, the collar so big that one shoulder was fully exposed.
Me: "I've never seen this sweatshirt before."
She tugged at the hem: "You left this at my place."
Then she turned to walk into the bedroom, glancing back at me.
Brothers,
Should I go with her or not?